inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home