Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
estão todos miauvindo?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?