MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.