What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler