My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Battery falling down a hole
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?