She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me