A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
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Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Care for your back
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?