Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The USS B port
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee