Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came