Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what鈥檚 your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn鈥檛 know his state capitals.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
yeah i鈥檇 have thought so, he鈥檚 a cat
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I鈥檇 bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
How鈥檚 homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Have a lovely day 馃槉
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it鈥檚 the best revenge ever
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we鈥檙e running out of time
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt