My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
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i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.