Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You Might Also Like
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Pandas 🐼🖤
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder