HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
dutch so unserious
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon