My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Herpes is trending, good job people
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
This 4th of July, please remember…
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
i’m sure it’s fine