After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?