Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
You Might Also Like
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.