[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?