Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven