FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”