First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Still a very good boi….
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.