Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
don’t be scared