Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Important reminders
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.