The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
New favorite tiktok
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect