My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
secret recipe
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
me after eating Cheetos
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.