You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
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I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Autocorrect is my menesis
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩