don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me irl
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Bruh PLEASE
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.