TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does