[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
He just like my cat fr
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..