God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Cashiers are always checking me out
oh you like architecture? name three walls
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
if my sleeping schedule was a person
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what