Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
uncle dave has been through hell
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume