95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.