“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.