Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: