I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Close call…
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Lmfao
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.