Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes