It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not stressed
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.