*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey