I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?