In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”