My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Is this you?
Interior design 👌
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings