SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.