Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
reviewed some movies recently
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.