Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
🐕🍷
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
A dad and his duck
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.