I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
You Might Also Like
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.