“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.