I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Its a hippotatomus
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I finally found a reason to live again.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.