me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
can I use a minion as a tampon
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me