Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?