These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.