Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
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It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Spell check is for lasers.
Brother?